


The Other Night, Dear

by chewingscum



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-07 05:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21453091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chewingscum/pseuds/chewingscum
Summary: Tumblr Prompt: Suicidal Deceit, right after he gets away from Rage, as he feels so alone with the light sides, and he isn't quite sure just how much Virgil has changed and he doesn't even know why he gets out of bed in the morning.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 78





	The Other Night, Dear

**Author's Note:**

> Just about every character sans Remus is mentioned, but Deceit is the only one who makes a physical appearance. This is a part of my AU but I feel like it can generally be read without knowing anything about said AU. I wrote this in one hour at 9 AM but i'm not mad at it so that's Your problem

He stares blankly at his laptop, listening without hearing the video playing, chin settled between the ears of a large stuffed Eeyore. An abated hum rests on his lips. He knows if he starts, he won’t stop, and he’ll be left stifling tears into Scout’s fur.  
  
Deceit rubs at his chest gingerly. He winces, fingers dancing along the edge of what he knows is the E of his carvings.  
  
Deceit pinches at one of the scars.  
  
He hadn’t left his room in two days. Why hadn’t anyone come to check on him? He could hear them passing his room, laughing downstairs, conversing in the halls, had they forgotten about him? Surely they couldn’t have, an intruder in your home is hard to ignore. Maybe they were simply trying to make the best of this shitty situation.  
  
A pathetic, petulant little part of Deceit whines. _Why did you let me stay if you didn’t want me here? I’m a big boy, I can handle it, really, I can go back and face the music-_  
  
Except, no, he can’t, not if the cold shiver that races down his spine is anything to go by.  
  
_Burden._  
  
Ah.  
  
That’s the word he’s looking for.  
  
_You’re a burden. After all this time, you’re still a burden._  
  
Deceit grips Eeyore harder, grimacing a little.  
  
_This is why Virgil left. The argument was just the excuse, but for all you know, he’d wanted to leave for ages, you couldn’t make him happy, what makes you think you can now?_  
  
_Why are you here?_  
  
Deceit blinks. Isn’t that the question.  
  
_No one has checked on you. No one cares, not really. They only let you stay because of your blubbering, if they’d wanted you around, they’d have invited you in the first place. And what have you done? Been ungrateful. There’s nothing for you here._  
  
Deceit knows where this is going. He’s been treated to this exact line of thinking every time he’s tried to sleep since he got here. He’s been treated to his arms aching and his legs tingling and his fingers twitching, claws digging soft trails into his thighs, as though the taste of the damage he could do isn’t enough to make him cram his wrists beneath his pillows in an effort to ignore the urge.  
  
‘_Thomas needs me_’, is a protest becoming emptier by the day.  
  
He tries not to think about it.  
  
But all that’s left to think about, then, is the others.  
  
_Patton shifts uncomfortably, gaze flitting everywhere but his face._  
  
_Roman watches his every move, shoulders tensing when he skitters into the kitchen for dinner._  
  
_Logan, indifferent as ever, sits by and watches it happen, critically observing the events as they unfold._  
  
Which only fuels those dangerous urges, but if he doesn’t think about the urges, and if he doesn’t think about the others, then-  
  
_Virgil scoffs, purposefully ignoring his presence, perhaps in the hope that if he simply gives him the cold shoulder, he might disappear entirely. With some amount of despair, Deceit finds himself wishing the same._  
  
Deceit flinches, just to himself, entire body giving a twitch.  
  
Virgil. Virgil was a nasty shock.  
  
Deceit had assumed, quite erroneously he now knew, that the others had-...well. His encounters with a young Roman had been nothing short of terrifying, and he’d heard no word from the other side of the mindscape since their falling out-  
  
Finding that Virgil was completely and utterly safe was a surprise.  
  
The glare Virgil sent him the moment he spotted him at the table that morning was less of a surprise, and more of a slap to the face.  
  
Deceit’s stomach rolls, and he shifts. His mouth is a lot dryer than he’d like. He likes even less the sudden heat in his eyes.  
  
_‘Virge- you’re not_ _**LISTENING**_ _to me they’re_ _**dangerous-’**_  
  
_‘They can’t be worse than_ **_HIM!’_**  
  
_‘You don’t_ _**KNOW THAT!’**_  
  
_Fuck._ Deceit squeezes his eyes shut, forcing himself to keep his breathing even.  
  
He needs to calm down, he knows that. What calms him down?  
  
What indeed.  
  
A memory surfaces, and like a coward, Deceit succumbs.  
  
_Anxiety hums, ever-so-softly, brushing lips against his forehead and then cheek._  
  
_Deceit can’t help but sob a little, an almost startled laugh escaping him, when he begins to sing. Anxiety nudges him, huffing._  
  
_‘’M trying to be all sweet over here, don’t laugh at me.’ His voice is rough, and Deceit shakes his head, curling further into his chest._  
  
_Deceit starts to coo, interspersed with laughter, nightmare near entirely forgotten now, and Anxiety rolls his eyes, playfully snapping his teeth. ‘Shut up.’_  
  
_Deceit sniffles a little, a soft giggle escaping him before he nods._  
  
_‘Of course, apologies. Go ahead.’ Deceit nudges his head up beneath Anxiety’s chin, closing his eyes._  
  
_Anxiety rubs circles into his lower back, carefully avoiding using his nails, knowing full well that if he does, Deceit will jolt and devolve into ticklish giggles and snorts._  
  
_And he sings._  
  
‘You are my sunshine-’ Deceit forces past the growing lump in his throat, ‘My only sunshine-’ His voice tremors, face crumpling.  
  
He fumbles around his bed, fingers latching around Scout and yanking him close. His movements are jerky, a little frantic as he buries his nose between Scout’s horns, right where his fur is beginning to thin.  
  
‘My only-’ He shakes his head, a choked cry wheezing from his grit teeth, ‘Make me happy when- when-’  
  
He digs his fingers into his scalp, the knots tangling painfully in his fist. His hair is greasy, and a little longer than he really cared for- when was the last time he’d showered? He didn’t like looking at his scars.  
  
Or his scales.  
  
Or his body.  
  
He didn’t like being so exposed, completely alone, in a locked room with thick walls, either.  
  
His skin crawls at the thought, and he yanks his hair harder, trying to refocus. All he can land on is _sunshine_ and _grey_ and _Virgil Virgil Virgil_ and how hollow everything the others are feels and how much his chest hurts _and he can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t breathe-_  
  
_Is he dying? Can Sides die? Why is he so scared? Isn’t this what he wanted?_  
  
He struggles, gasping for air now, gripping roughly at Eeyore’s ear, and with trepidation, he forces himself to remember, to recall Virgil’s panic attacks, to recall his own, to recall-  
  
Deceit sobs, letting go of Scout and Eeyore to instead grip his head, fumbling to sit up, headphones falling off in the process.  
  
_Rage grinning. Hands on his shoulders. Virgil. Virgil’s shouting, Rage is gone. Virgil’s talking to him, Virgil’s frowning, Virgil’s-_  
  
_4, 7, 8, 4, 7, 8, 4, 7, 8-_  
  
Deceit sits, cradling his head in his hands, fighting to get his breathing back under control, in rhythm.  
  
And tomorrow he’d do it again.  
  
And maybe that time, he might put more stock in those urges, but for now, his tears have finally begun to stream down his face, and the counting is all he can do to restrain himself from sobbing Virgil’s name into the suffocating air of his brand new home.


End file.
